Diary of an Abuja Billionaire - Week 12

Jamal is an Abuja-based billionaire bachelor and businessman who works hard and parties hard. Welcome to his world

Week 12

Monday

I stayed another day in Mali to visit our mining sites and meet with some eager politicians, then flew to Senegal and straight into a conference I was chairing, due to my 45% stake in the country’s fishing industry. At my hotel that evening, my Senegalese assistant brought me five voluptuous women to choose from; I shouted at him to get the women out of my sight. Even a hotel concierge told me in broken English about the “sexy girls” he could get for me. I contented myself with cyber-love with Zainab, who rejoiced over the new Audi S8 I arranged to be delivered to her house yesterday as a thank you for standing by me.

Tuesday

Apart from calls and emails from those hearing of the scandal late, and a belated attempt by Cynthia’s friends to press charges against me for kidnap and grievous bodily harm (which my aides quickly quashed), the worst of the scandal was over. ZeeGC’s stock rose again and my silence about the whole issue helped to kill the story. I concluded talks with Senegalese developers, directed the installation of the technological systems at ZeeGC’s head quarters and attended a party in my honour in Dakar before a night flight to Sierra Leone.

Wednesday

I finally got the courage to call Zainab’s father. “You’re young, you make mistakes. This was just the final nail in the coffin of your promiscuity I hope?” I assured him it was. I’d put my therapy session on hold but Dr Ferral encouraged me to continue to keep a diary and remain accountable to Aliyu and Zainab. A few Sierra Leonean bloggers and a radio talk show carried my story, but that was all. “It all happened for a reason Jamal, to make us stronger” Zainab said.

Thursday

Zainab’s father told me yesterday of some of his business troubles and wanted me to come on board to redirect some of his affairs. Looks like I don’t have marry Zainab to get my hands on his businesses after all! In Guinea, I caught myself admiring a petite secretary in ZeeGC’s head office, mostly because she wasn’t trying to catch my eye, but I quickly pictured her as Cynthia and turned my head away in disgust. My last meeting of the day ended at 3am with my head throbbing; it was difficult adjusting my French dialect to each Francophone country.

Friday

I had missed calls and angry texts from Zainab because I didn’t called her last night. I had to show her the whole of my bed, my bathroom, toilet and dustbins of my hotel room via my webcam, and she even examined my back for scratches and bites and interviewed my travel staff and security before she was convinced I wasn’t with a woman last night. She told me Cynthia had relocated to Ghana. Good. I refused to go with the younger executives to a club and slept on the specially-fitted bed on my jet throughout the flight back to Abuja for Aliyu’s wedding.

Saturday

Our Oswald Boateng groomsmen suits arrived just in time for me, Stanley, Anthony, Aliyu’s brothers, cousins and law firm partners; with Chris Aire watches and cufflinks, white roses on our lapels and lavender silk pocket squares. Zainab was on Miriam’s bridal train and looked classy in a lavender House of Farrah gown, and as we walked down the aisle arm in arm before the bride, I imagined it was our wedding. At the reception I danced exclusively with her and almost punched a House of Rep member who asked me if I still had Cynthia’s number. Zainab later told Aliyu’s aunties had warned her about ‘men like me.’ We spent the night at Transcorp Hilton.

Sunday

I left for Liberia at 6am to complete my tour of West Africa. Aliyu called me from his honeymoon suite in the Bahamas; his father’s wedding gift of a house in London made him consider opening a law firm in England and starting his family there. I envied his new lease on life and thought seriously of setting a date for Zainab and me. She suggested a week before her birthday – which was two months away – so that she’ll celebrate it on our honeymoon. I decided to finally tell my mother my plans, but she won’t be happy.

6 Reasons to Make a New Year Resolution

As a year comes to an end you fall into a spell of introspection, leading often to a feeling of dismay. All achievements in retrospect feel slight and unsatisfactory. You had big dreams, big plans, and 365 days to accomplish your desires; so many days. As it happens, you cannot account for the days, they went too fast, you think, and you were too busy taking care of unforeseen situations otherwise known as distractions.

With a new year however comes a second (or hundred) chance at realising unfulfilled ambitions. You are in a state of ambivalence. You mourn for the lost time and rejoice for the gift of beginnings. In that state of half joy-half sorrow, you device a strategy to seize the year, a guide for the coming days, a grand idea to turn around your life, a transformational agenda itemised as vows, dos and don’ts.

A New Year resolution is a penitence for previous shortcomings and a statute of a new beginning. Its popularity though is waning. The resolution, drawn up in January, has a reputation for remaining unfulfilled in December thereby establishing a cycle of hope and dismay, and throwing this long held tradition into disrepute. Despite the jinx, a resolution is absolutely necessary, as you would see in these six points.

1. A New Year resolution will quicken the process of getting over past failures. It comes with it a sense of a fresh start. Goodbye 2013, viva 2014! A new month, a new year, a new notepad with the date written on the first page, new resolutions, goodbye to mediocrity, cheers to hard work, a new life and a new, improved you.

2. As more people disclaim the resolution, it would be pretentious to act like you are not into resolutions. More people than are willing to admit are discreetly making at least a mental note for self-improvement.

3. It is only a few days into January, still early to predict social media trends. Perhaps posting one’s wedding pictures on Facebook would become outdated. It may become fashionable to update friends on your progress with a New Year resolution. Thus, a post would read: Resolution No. 3: sleep four hours a day. Accomplished! Probably a lie.

4. You will get a chance to make the exclusive list of super humans who are able to accomplish a fraction of the items on their list.

5. If you fail to make the list, you will be proven to be human. An aggregation of resolution would show how delusional your race is. It is human to lie to its kind and to itself.

6.  It is necessary if only to reckon with the new year, to acknowledge its arrival, and to sustain the tradition of New Year resolution.


 Now that you are convinced, here are a few tips on making a New Year resolution.

• Be unrealistic. Make a wish, then, make a list, numbered at least one to ten. The more imaginary, the better. Set sprawling, vague goals like, ‘I want to be a nicer person’ do not bother with the how to accomplish the goals.

 

• Set long term goals. Do not break them down into tiny, doable details. Rather than purposing to read 30 pages of fiction daily, write that you will finish the Complete Works of Shakespeare in 2014. You will feel less guilty about your inefficiency. Leave the agonising till December.

 

• Be perfect at the end of the year, you will be humbler and kinder, add or lose weight, eat more fruits and vegetables, read more, write more, sleep less, read the Bible daily, quit watching E! watch NTA more, agonise more over the state of the nation, vote in the next general elections (you will need to be determined a year early), etc.

 

• Be creative. Avoid old language especially if you are trying for seven years to break habits like smoking. A New Year resolution is about finding new words and zest for old problems; novelty takes precedence over resolve.

 

• Check online for more information. For best results, vary the key words as often as you search: top seven tips on making a New Year resolution; guide to making a resolution; how to start a new year; a dummy’s guide to a perfect year.

‘We are Ready for the New Power Order’

With the sale of electricity generation and distribution companies to private companies, the focus in Nigeria’s beleaguered power sector necessarily shifts to the regulator of this all-important sector. Dr. Sam Amadi, chairman of the Nigerian Electricity Regulatory Commission, sat down for a wide-ranging interview about the sector, his commission, and his other engagements.

Interview: Waziri Adio and Joshua Ocheja

Photography: Simi Vijah

What will you say are the major achievements of the commission under your watch?

I think the commission’s achievements should be measured against its legislative mandate. Our mandate is to create a competitive electricity market in Nigeria. I think we have largely succeeded in this regard. Today, this market has almost all the standard regulations and codes obtainable even in the advanced markets. We have prepared for the coming of the competitive electricity market. We have set all the basic rules, and we have established the required structure.

Our first real challenge was to establish credibility because of the perception about regulatory risk. Today, the commission has achieved some credibility and the perception of regulatory risk in Nigeria has drastically reduced, such that the World Bank and the US Nexim Bank have acclaimed the NERC mode of regulation as credible, efficient and transparent. Recently, we also got an award from the committee for reform of government by the House of Representatives as the most FOI-compliant and transparent organisation in Nigeria. Our processes are very transparent, open and collaborative with stakeholders. All our rules are made publicly; we advertise them and also go for public hearing. So in terms of governance, we score high.

In terms of effectiveness, are the substances of our interventions able to solve the problem? I think the answer is yes because NERC’s interventions have been effective, well accepted and well-thought-out. The key thing is that we are shaping this market. Mind you, there is no electricity market in Nigeria yet. Industry is different from market. If you build plants etc., you have an industry but a market is where you have clear rules that attract investments and sustain them. This is what we are creating with our work.

Also, if you look at the licensing that we have had and the possibility of capacity increase in this market, you can expect that in the next three to four years there will be constant increase in capacity on a yearly basis of about 3000 megawatts because of how we have worked closely with the licensees and how we have secured the commercial viability of the industry. So today we have at least 20,000 megawatts licensed power. The expectation is that if we go on this way we could deliver adequate electricity.

What does 20,000 megawatts licenced power mean?

It means the entities we have licensed are authorized to generate 20, 000 megawatts. But what they will deliver to the market is uncertain and depends on how each of them manages its operations. The process is that they will bring a business proposal stating what and how they intend to go about it. So those ones are reviewed and approved. But if they go to source for money and the bankers ask about who the off-taker is and the off-taker has not yet signed with them, they will have to wait.

There are standard issues with regulation, including regulatory capture, regulatory independence, over and under regulation, and adequate regulatory capacity. How is NERC positioned to deal effectively with all these issues?

Yes, we are mindful of most of these things. To tackle issue of capture, one of the very first things we did was to design a code of conduct for commissioners and staff. We were one of the first agencies to swear to a code of conduct. We did this in the presence of the representatives of the Minister of Power, the Attorney General of the Federation etc. This is also why we fully signed up to the FOI Act. We also realised to we need to provide job satisfaction and make our staff comfortable. We have established a comprehensive mortgage policy for our staff because we believe that owning houses should reduce the temptations of corruption. We have also established a gift declaration policy, where any gift item above N25, 000 given to our staff has to be officially declared and entered in the gift register. This applies to all, including myself.

We are also doing a lot on training for effectiveness because it’s not only about being ethical. We want to have the best possible staffing. We have in so doing enhanced the capacity of our staff and the result is that everywhere they go, the operators respect the competence of our staff. The first thing I did when I came in was to introduce the distinguished visitors programme and the chairman’s brown bag sessions. These are learning platforms and we have the NERC fellowship to enhance the knowledge base of the staff because we want to be at the cutting-edge of the sector. We are generous in sponsoring capacity building for staff. We are also generous in bringing experts to come and speak on these various platforms. We have seen the results. We can pride ourselves as one of the smartest regulators in Africa.

Then on the issue of independence, I am passionate about it. I have refused to embed NERC in any framework that could compromise its independence. The idea of a regulator for me is the one who works with all stakeholders to achieve results, but critically distances itself to second-guess outcomes. So whereas we are one government and we sit on the table with other agencies, we also make it clear that whatever comes out of that roundtable will be subjected to further reflection for us to see if it is not something that will undermine competitiveness and efficiency in the sector. So we have been a critical voice because the work of a regulator is to flag situations that might compromise public interest. We also need to work with operators in good faith. So if there are problems, we sit with them and get facts and inputs from them. But this is not a substitute for our independent reflections of those facts. So we get the facts on how our regulations are impacting on them, and sit back and review. But we do not substitute their opinion for ours or our opinion for theirs. We go back and reflect and come to a decision which we think is fair to them and fair to the public.

So it’s a matter of independence and accountability on two sides. We are not just independent or just crave independence. We crave accountability. We are accountable to stakeholders, the National Assembly, the Presidency, to consumers and all stakeholders. That was why during the last tariff issue, I put out in a press statement to the organised civil society that if they do have concerns they should put it in a petition and our business rules allow that 30 days after every order, anybody who claims to be affected is entitled to write a petition and NERC is bound to review those concerns in the light of new evidence. So we are accountable to consumers and that was why we created a very elaborate dispute-resolution framework that starts with the customers’ complaints unit in the distribution companies up to the Forum Office which was created in a way that is intriguing. We allow representatives of stakeholders in the community, the Manufacturers Association of Nigeria, engineers, industrialists, Consumer Protection Council member, and the civil society member in that community and then they elect their own chairman under a-three year tenure. So their job is that any dispute that is not settled at the consumers’ complaint unit of the operator, they have the responsibility to settle it and whatever they decide, we enforce. So you can see that the framework for handling consumers’ complaints is hinged on the principles of transparency and accountability. It’s like a jury where people’s cases are resolved by customers like themselves.

What’s the risk of negotiating independence as government appointed people and as people who work with other government agencies?

The notion of a regulator in the electricity industry is new coming and the resistance exists. There is also the idea of ‘how can what we created be independent of us?’ I think the most important thing is credibility.

In that negotiation, where does political management come in?

The political management part is that you have to be a carrier of bad news with grace. You have to find a way to tell government that you cannot do what it sometimes wants done and make it understands why it shouldn’t do it and make it understand that it’s in its ultimate interest not to do what it would have loved to do. So there are two areas of management. You have to manage your engagement in a way that perception of why you are acting is clear and not that you just want to enhance your power against other government institutions. That you are not acting because you have been compromised or bought over by some other interest groups.

So the first is credibility and the second is the management of loyalty and respect. You have to show that you respect government as an institution and at the same time that it’s your responsibility to uphold government policy positions for the ultimate public interest. So there is no science about it. It’s an art and it depends on the actors involved. But happily in this industry we have leaders who are committed to the work of NERC and that make it easier for us.

You have a mandate to attract private investors and also the mandate to protect consumers. But there is this perception that NERC is more interested in making the industry attractive for investors than making sure that the interest of consumers are protected. How do you walk the fine line and is it possible to strike a balance?

What consumers see as pro-business style is actually pro-consumer. For too long, consumers have been in darkness. They are paying and they are not getting value. Even if they don’t pay any tariff, they are not better off because they will still be buying power supply through other means at a higher cost. Ultimately the most fundamental right of every Nigerian is to have power supply. But for us as a regulator, this is not a populist game. Regulation is about problem solving. The problem is: how do you create the product? There is limited electricity supply, and government cannot finance it. In fact, it is government’s investment and involvement that actually created the crisis in the first place. I understand consumers’ concerns but ultimately as a regulator, and sitting here and even if I am the most rabid populist and the leader of the Nigerian Labour Congress and if I mean well for the society and the workers, I would know that improving the commercial viability of the sector is step number one to guaranteeing any improvement in service for consumers.

We know that people are saying, ‘fine, we will pay more when there is improvement in power supply.’ But the question is: how will there be improvement? Improvement will only come by investment. Even if you don’t sell the assets to people in the private sector, those running the entities must be able to use that money to provide those transformers that are broken down, feeder pillars that are not working or reinforce the over-loaded transformers in places where light is erratic. The critical point is you need funds to finance improvement, maintenance and expansion, and this cannot come from government. The only way it can be sustainable is a pricing methodology that provides certainty of investments but not at a cost that is prohibitive. My challenge to civil society groups is for them to get organised and speak with one voice.

What I think we need to do going forward is to institute a system for democratic regulation where consumers’ interests are in a qualitative manner factored in the calculation. And that will happen if the funders can finance a strong consumer advocacy group in the electricity sector. So that when we call for public-hearing, people will come with well-reasoned and researched papers and not just with rhetoric and anger.

But you know that there is a power asymmetry there. The private sector operators have all the resources and the incentives to do the research, to be better organised…

Government can as well sponsor that, and that is what NERC is proposing with the Ministry of Power and the civil society groups. We want public funding for consumers’ advisory advocate. In one of the states in the US, they have a statutory consumers’ group. So there, you have the regulator, the operators and the consumers’ advisory advocate with clear processes that require things to go through them. And that requires them to be mandatory interveners’ in issues of tariffs and regulations. As we go into the new market, we need to ensure that consumers will be well protected.

There is a school of thought that labour unions and civil society groups are major obstacles to reforms in the sector. What’s your take on that and what is your strategy for overcoming resistance?

Well, labour and the civil society groups have not been problems to NERC. Yes, labour spoke about the tariff increase, but it is expected that a labour union will not give support to an increase in price even if it is reasonable and necessary. I think we should understand labour’s activities within a certain ideological framework.

Having said, I think labour has been a problem to the reform generally in terms of the workers in the sector. I think government should have taken the view that the only beneficiary in the darkness is the workers in PHCN. So paying them a hefty pay packet to disengage them in my view wasn’t a good strategy. I would have preferred that labour be paid less to free up money for investments in the sector. I think this will now come down as one of the most expensive disengagements in history. It is too expensive because of labour’s insistence and obstructive tactics. My view is that government was right to try to sort out labour in a peaceful manner. But I think labour got the better edge in that process and held the process down for too long and extracted maybe disproportionate outcomes from the negotiations.

It is widely believed that the next big sector after telecoms is electricity. How big do you think this industry will be?

I think this industry will be bigger than telecoms in the next five to ten years. No doubt about that. By the time you are trading electricity of say 20,000 megawatts, it has far outstripped the telecoms industry. Think about the additional jobs and additional incomes that will come from increased investments in power sector. Then, think about how improved power will galvanize entrepreneurship and production. Think about the impact on GDP growth.

The power sector is a much more comprehensive public good in terms of welfare, health and education outcomes and other variables. And of course the economy grows. As a fact, an additional 10,000 megawatts in Nigeria can grow the economy by two digits, all things being equal.

You wrote an article sometime ago gloating about the increase in power generation to 4517 megawatts. You gloated and power generation dropped…

Well it’s not a case of gloating. We were right because the benchmark we used was correct. You see, the truth is the drop wasn’t systemic. We can pride ourselves that we estimated how the growth can happen and it happened that way. But we are not in charge of security.

So why gloat about something you don’t have control over?

It is the incentives that we create that make the operators generate. What we did was to make predictions about what will happen if the market is stable. This is important for investors because they want to know how the market is faring. We are saying ‘trust us, the market is reliable.’ And that is important because the investor will trust us if our judgement on inflation rates and growth, gas rate, capacity growth is correct. That’s what will guide their investment decisions. The other ones are political risks that are indemnified through a World Bank partial risk guarantee or through the bulk traders’ power purchase agreement.

You also wrote another article titled ‘It’s Time to Think,’ calling on academics and civil groups to be more problem-solving. The point is are you not going off grid by getting into areas that are not about electricity regulation? Or do you feel the pressure that as a ‘Jonathanian’ you have to wade into public debates?

Well, let me put it this way: I believe in public leadership and that public officers must champion ideas. We are a country in transition and I will say that our ideas today have run their course. This country is begging for new ideas. And what’s the next new big idea? I am not enough an intellectual to say this is the next big idea. But we are in that conversation. That’s my own style. There are public officers who believe that they are not supposed to be heard except on very bland memos. I believe that public leadership is influence and from an idea point of view you have to enter into the discussion and shape the discourse.

Are you then not dragging an important regulator into the political arena?

No. It’s not politics. For example the reason why I started the NERC fellowship and the distinguished visitors’ programme is that I believe that the answer to the energy crisis in Nigeria is not just in technical issues. They are also in what I call adaptive issues. For example, we are talking about the future but do we have a thinking culture that is embedded in our institutions that will solve problems in a creative way? Do we have a structure that allows people to brainstorm? This is my belief: we should expand the conversation.

Since 2004, you have been in public life. Why is the public sector so important to you?

I think the public sector is an important sector depending on your temperament. If you have a temperament of matching ideas with action in the public arena, you could find public sector work interesting. It has risks and constraints. But if you succeed in establishing credibility and political support, you have the opportunity of making lasting changes.

The public sector is like the air-traffic controller of other sectors. The private sector relies on the public sector to set up the incentives. The non-profit sector, even though it is non-governmental, is dependent on the character of the government to shape its interventions. So, the public sector is a very strong arena for change and changes that are made in the public sector have greater prospect of sustenance because they feed the other sectors.

For me, maybe it is a matter of fate and also a matter of expertise and training. As a private sector lawyer focusing largely on constitutional/human rights administration, you come in contact with the public sector. And the moment we started thinking about interventions, talking about new prison law and police acts, etc., we got interested in public work. There are two ways that can be done: either as a private lawyer or a private consultant interfacing the public sector.

When I went to Harvard Law School and studied law in detail I think I got interested in the Public Law and then Kennedy School really did it for me. Why did I go to Kennedy School? I figured that my skills and interest were tending towards public sector. I was an occasional writer criticizing government and saying things should have worked better. So I thought probably my combination of temperament, personality, ethics will enable me succeed in doing a few of those things. So my coming to the public sector and staying there is because I find it compelling and attractive in terms of how it harmonises the various skills that we have acquired in school and in the private sector.

My experience has been a mixed bag. I think that public sector leadership provides the best learning in life. It shows you your shortcomings as a person and shows you clearly the shortcomings of your ideas. I have seen these three years of active leadership in public sector as a huge school.

How has your civil society background helped or hindered your public sector work? 

It has helped more than hindered because it gave me a very developed sense of interests in the society. I understand the dialectics of regulatory capture. My work with Gani Fawehinmi had seasoned me in understanding how the rich buy public policy against the poor. Everything we have done here has pushed very strongly at transparency. I could not have made NERC one of the most transparent organisations if I was not dealing from the human rights/civil society perspective.

There are three kinds of civil society people. There are those who are in civil society because they were looking for a job and when they find it they have to act the role. There are those who have a psychology of irreverence—so they are angry, resentful people and civil society seems to mean attacking the government. But there are those who believe in the values that civil society requires. They believe in equality, dignity and fairness. I think I belong to this group. Coming here, I continue to live by those standards. There are many civil society people that come into government and change overnight. In my own view, I have maintained a consistent idea system. The applications can be faulted, but I have not compromised the things I believe about society.

You have other engagements: coordinating the cleaning of your church, writing occasionally and mentoring young people. Why are all these things important to you and how do you cope?

I do them because they are self-reinforcing. The idea of being a regulator is to protect public interests. Writing is a way of expression for me, even though sometimes it is incorrect to write when you are in public office. It is an urge to throw light on issues. Writing is derived from the impulse of seeking public good. Church activities are based on the understanding of who you are to God and to other people. I even see human rights activity as a religious one. The idea of my relationship with God is central and determinant of other ideas. Because I believe in God, I have to be ethical and fair.

Abuja, through the eyes of a Lagosian (1)

I have lived in Abuja for six years. The city is a virus growing and taking over the cells of memory in your head, so that after a few years, you begin to act like you were born here. My viral attack is complete-- I struggle to remember my life before this. Sometimes one can benefit from the thoughts of an outsider. Pearl Osibu, a writer friend of mine, is endlessly looking for reasons to elevate Lagos over Abuja. But I prefer the written word to a shouting match. Find below some of her thoughts on visiting (the more concrete parts of) Abuja.

- Elnathan John

 

I go jogging/speed-walking with my younger sister, Debbie, every morning. It is a delight. The roads are so wide – the pedestrian walk as wide as some Lagos roads, and asphalted within an inch of their lives – make you want to roller skate. Maybe this is the reason why there are so many people out jogging In Lagos, you must be determined, and even then, you would approach jogging with gritted teeth, especially if you live in most parts of the mainland.

In Abuja, the day begins at least two hours earlier than it does in Lagos. The downside is, Abuja drivers are pampered. I see people take turns in so wide an arc they gulp huge swathes of road, ending up on the other side before re-aligning themselves. In Lagos, you learn road economy. The drivers also seem to have a problem with using their indicators. We screamed at several, as well as engaged in some mindreading: are you, or are you not turning?

Debbie issues a warning as we set out, “watch the manholes.” They are almost all open, mouths agape. I remember Metropole Columnist Elnathan John complaining about this, but from what Debbie says, it is not a government problem; it is a citizen problem. Obviously, the covers have been fitted – and stolen. I hear iron-workers are the culprits. Reminds me of when the U.J. Esuene Stadium Calabar hosted some of the matches during Nigeria ’99. The floodlights were fitted – and promptly stolen.

As we pass by a fellow jogger, I do the to-the-side solidarity clap that joggers do when they meet in Lagos to mean 'hey, I see you, I know it’s not easy, you are almost there.'  What it does not mean is 'hey, I am looking for a rich balding lover, please give me your blackberry messenger pin or phone number,' or whatever meaning this man’s mind conjured as he ignored me. Debbie, however, tells me that I should not blame the man. It would appear that many young women take to the sidewalk for that very purpose here.

A lady jogs past us and I think that’s one of ‘em. She is slim slim. But I quickly berate myself; I am the person who always says that slim does not mean fit, and even skinny people need to work out and eat healthily.

I see a lady jogging with her Jalabiya, hijab and trainers . It is truly funny, I mean, I could have guessed what else would she jog in? Still. But then a man also jogs past in a kaftan and I wonder what gives? When I think I have seen it all, I see another jogger in a burqa – not niqab, mind. Well, it’s all terribly exotic to this Lagos girl.

Unless it’s an emergency, you will scarcely get a friend to meet and hang out during the week in Lagos-- people wait for the weekend to really get down and party hard. Not so Abuja. Everyday might very well be a weekend-- it’s the unhurried pace of the city, the sanity. Tuesday night is as good as Friday night.

– PEARL OSIBU

To be continued next week…

Laughter and Other Crimes

It is two years since the pronouncement that would launch a thousand youths unto the streets. From homes, from schools and from their mothers’ shops, they poured forth.

Television showed Lagos was the rage, the state’s perennial troubles with the centre shifted to the population and they congregated singing songs, chanting daily, in defiance of attempts to shove them into their homes and switch complaints into inaudible grumbling at the workplace. It took a while for the Abuja protests to gather such momentum, but it finally got its own together, with people tweeting meeting places.

Like them, I was angry. Unlike them, I sat and switched on the television; but not for long. In a little while friends aware I lived in the capital heckled me. It is no longer enough to hold an opinion on politics; you have to hold it in public. Everything is politics, even the demonstration of a political view.

A day after a particularly snarky comment, a friend met up with me and together we joined the movement.

We met the protesters in front of the Old Secretariat building. Young people gathered, many looking like it was a fashion contest. The revolution would be televised: please be dressed accordingly.

Aside the carnal calculations inevitably made when young people are gathered, there is mirth, someone cracking a joke, someone clowning, everyone laughing at some point. It may be grim, but the young will smile. And then the inevitable phone showed up; friends gathered, took photos and uploaded to the internet. The revolution comes to you powered by Facebook.

Just before a photo was taken, someone made a joke, maybe I made a joke. I could never make it as a stand-up comic— I would laugh harder than the audience. The photo caught me mouth open, clearly laughing and as it happens the photo showed up on social media.

While many ‘friends’ expressed admiration, a friend either annoyed or mischievous— a New Yorker cartoon caption puts it aptly, “On the internet no one knows you’re a dog”— said something about the setting of the photo being a carnival. I took umbrage; it is a serious matter, I said.

“Why were you laughing then?” she countered.

There was no comeback after that. Now I think about it, was laughter so awful in that context? Should the photo have reflected the trouble of the time rather than the mirth of the moment?

Months, weeks later, going through my facebook feed, I came across the exchange. Despite the little concession from the government, we had lost and I had lost the argument on Facebook. I deleted the photo, banishing the exchange into ether.

It’s a new year. And I would be hoping I don’t have to explain my laughter at any point. In fact let’s make that my New Year’s resolution. Now to put it on a bumper sticker...

And the Best Abuja Supermarket is…

Major supermarkets now dot the Abuja landscape. But how do they rank in terms of the total shopping experience? After repeated visits and using different indicators, Kimberly Ward provides a guide

In the beginning, only the open markets and the corner-shops catered to the shopping needs of Abuja’s then minimal, transient population. Fast forward to 2013 and the capital now boasts a host of large-scale, all-purpose stores; from the mighty multi-national Shoprite to the proudly Nigerian Sahad Stores. But which mega-store provides the best customer service? Which has the largest parking area? And which is the most affordable? We visited 12 supermarkets and rated them on various aspects of the shopping experience.

Rating Code

5 – Excellent

4 – Good

3 – Average

2 – Poor

1 – Very Poor

DUNES

Address: 44, Aguiyi Ironsi Street, Maitama, Abuja

One of the more accomplished and aesthetically-pleasing department stores, Dunes – which shares a building with offices, a restaurant and a hotel – attracts a clientele of higher-income earners, foreigners and tourists who buy the mostly imported products in the civil and serene environment.

Accessibility: The Dunes multi-storied building is situated in the most expensive area of Abuja and is easily sighted from the road. There’s a good-sized parking area at the front and steps leading up to the neat entrance, though the parking is shared with other businesses within the premises 3/5

In-store: The exterior is chic and modern and the look is maintained inside with a neat and stylish store with well-organised aisles and a composed system of shelving, space and products. The restaurant towards the back somewhat juts out onto the groceries section and you have to walk past diners to get to the escalator-walkway leading up to the second floor, which is neatly stocked with home furnishings and a gift store. The checkout area is small but adequate and well-spaced. The atmosphere of the store is one of serene professionalism. 5/5

Products and Prices: The store stocks mostly foreign imports of both food and home items with an inadequate array of local items, but the quality is high and the home furnishings section upstairs contains unique products you won’t find anywhere else in Abuja. However, the price is dearer than the average supermarket. 3/5

Customer Service: At the gates security personnel check each car with a bomb-detection device, and inside staff presence was minimal but the staff were pleasant when called upon. The cashier at the checkout was polite and there was change available 4/5

TOTAL SCORE: 15/20

 

EXCLUSIVE STORES

Address: Plot 1202, Adetokunbo Ademola Crescent, Wuse 2, Abuja

This 24 hour mega-store is a relatively new addition to the Abuja shopping community and has a mix of shoppers perusing three floors laden with grocery and home-ware.

Accessibility: Located on the busiest road in Abuja, the store is both central and easy to get to but the car-park at the front is smaller than average 4/5

In-store: An awkward turnstile entrance leads to the main store where one of the aisles is wrongly labelled ‘Savoury Snacks’ but has drinks on the shelves. There is a restaurant towards the back and upstairs the home-ware section is cluttered, with some shelves bent under the weight of books piled high. The checkout area is tight and inadequate for the volume of shoppers as the queues extends into the aisles. It is a busy and noisy store downstairs but upstairs sees fewer customers 2/5

Products and Prices: There’s a good variety of grocery products with a good store of both new and second-hand books upstairs.Prices are a little dearer than the average 4/5

Customer Service: Groups of workers sat around chatting or idle, and upstairs two employees pricing items on a small table blocked most of one aisle. At the checkout the cashier was helpful but distracted, talking with a colleague throughout our transaction and didn’t have change. A tired-looking employee sat next to the exit to check receipts. 2/5

TOTAL SCORE: 12/20

GARKI SUPERMARKET

Address: Plot 468, Ahmadu Bello Way, Abuja

Hidden away inside a fenced enclosure housing 212 Bakery, Yahuza Suya and other shops, Garki Supermarket – one of two in Abuja – is a laid-back, medium-sized store with a distinctly Northern feel: it is closed between 12 – 2pm on Friday afternoons for prayers and stocks Northern delicacies.

Accessibility: Off a central main road but somewhat tucked away at the back of the fenced-in shopping centre, it is easy to miss. Cars can be parked anywhere around the large but untarred square but there’s a dedicated parking area in front of the supermarket itself 2/5

In-store: Men selling recharge cards line the entrance, and inside there are wide aisles packed with products on shelves and household goods section where items are arranged on the floor. The interior is neat and the two checkout points are on opposite sides to deter over-crowding. Prices are hand-written on masking tape stuck on the shelves below items 3/5

Products and Prices: An average selection of affordable products including home and electrical with a variety of Northern delicacies including Alkaki which is not available elsewhere 4/5

Customer Service: No security to check any cars and non-uniformed staff – all male – dotted the store, making it hard to tell the customers from store employees. The checkout person was pleasant but aloof and change was available 3/5

TOTAL SCORE: 12/20

GRAND SQUARE

Address: Plot 270, Muhammadu Buhari Way, Central District, Abuja

Described as the ‘Most modern shopping mall in Nigeria,’ Grand Square has over 100 staff and is popular across Abuja for its famous ‘Grand Loaf’ as well as its variety of ice-cream flavours. The store attracts a mixed crowd of shoppers and the atmosphere is usually busy and noisy.

Accessibility: Central and easy to get to, Grand Square also has a good sized-car park 5/5

In-store: You have to walk past the busy checkout area to get into the sizeable interior, and the aisles are on the narrow-side. The grocery area is downstairs and a climb up the (threadbare carpeted) stairs leads to the perfume store, busy photo-studio and other specialist stores upstairs, where a central balcony looks down on the products and customers downstairs. The store is tidy but the checkout area is small and often cramped 3/5

Products and Prices: Wide range of products with a large variety of both grocery, electrical and specialist items, including musical instruments and generators, although price-wise it is on the expensive side 4/5

Customer Service: Groups of employees hung around the store chatting, and the checkout staff did not smile, made no eye-contact and gave no greeting, I also had to move to two different stations before I could get change and checkout my items 3/5

TOTAL SCORE: 15/20

H MEDIX

Address: Plot 48, Adetokunbo Ademola Crescent, Wuse 2, Abuja, Nigeria

What started as a pharmacy over 10 years ago has grown into a well-known retail mart with four branches in Abuja selling a wider variety of products, but still limited to beauty and health items. This store is small but neat and attracts a mix of people.

Accessibility: This branch is located on the busiest road in Abuja. The entrance area is busy with hawkers and the car-park in front is quite close to the store’s doors and only big enough for around 10 cars, leading to queues, long waiting times and clashes with other drivers 3/5

In-store: A small supermarket, with a beauty and household items area downstairs along tight aisles, and a modestly-stocked pharmacy upstairs. The entrance/exit is also a squeeze to navigate but the store is tidy and neatly arranged. Check-out is a high counter by the exit 3/5

Products and Prices: Affordable but limited to health, beauty and bathroom items 4/5

Customer Service: There were uniformed door-openers and store employees seated at the end of the small aisles who stared at you as you walk by. The checkout counter was manned by non-uniformed staff and there was confusion and pushing-in due to lack of imposed order. Service was rushed and having to wait for change to be provided by another employee sitting behind the cashiers was inadequate. 3/5

TOTAL SCORE: 13/20

LEGENDS OF ABUJA

Address: 27, Port Harcourt Crescent, Off Gimbiya Street, Garki Area 11, Abuja

A modest supermarket tucked away on a side street of a main road, Legends is one of the earliest retailers in Abuja and many of its clientele are loyal customers who have been shopping there for years. The small store makes up in charm and character what it lacks in variety and prominence.

Accessibility: Situated on a quiet side street, Legends has a very small car park at the front with space for only around 20 cars. The store’s main signage is tiny and obscured by foliage 2/5

Decor: The store is all on one level and feels cramped with aisles unevenly arranged, boxes piled high and other products stacked haphazardly on the floors. Access to the fridge area is almost totally blocked by items for sale but the store is clean and the two checkout desks are easily accessible. The atmosphere is calm and laid-back 3/5

Products and Prices: Limited amount of basic goods and some of the products – which are slightly on the expensive side – have no price tabs 2/5

Customer Service: There were a few non-uniformed staff around and it was hard to tell customers from employees, but all the employees were friendly and eager to help, the cashier was pleasant and change was available 5/5

TOTAL SCORE: 12/20

NEXT CASH AND CARRY

Address: Ahmadu Bello Way, Kado, Abuja

Opened with fanfare in 2013, Next Cash and Carry is an awe-inspiring edifice situated on 34, 000 square metres of land with a large car park at the front. Similar in style to Walmart or Costco, it stocks almost everything you need for life and is the largest supermarket in Abuja, if not Nigeria.

Accessibility: Located off a not-very-busy, dual-carriage way away from the city centre, the supermarket is easy to get to and the prominent building and signage is easy to spot. The car park is spacious and well-organised with space for 400 vehicles. 5/5

Decor: A ramp leads up to the wide entrance that leads into a sprawling area all on one floor with very high ceilings and numerous wide aisles, with goods either stacked high or placed on low wooden planks on the ground. The product sections are clearly marked and include a pharmacy, eatery and bakery, but the butchery is empty. The un-tiled floors are cracked and uneven, with electric wiring visible and in the way of customers. The store is clean if haphazard and its sheer size and amount of stock adds to the wow factor. Around 40 check-out points are arranged at the front of the store leading to a smooth exit, but there are no shopping baskets, only large shopping trolleys are available. 3/5

Products and Prices: Huge selection of products from household items and home furnishings to clothing and jewellery, electrical appliances, music and books. Items are pricier than average but the popular bread is only N200 4/5

Customer Service: There were uniformed guards at the gate to check each car coming in, a guard stationed at the bakery to organise the bread queues and pleasant uniformed staff available throughout the store. The checkout staff were friendly and change was available 5/5

TOTAL SCORE: 17/20

PARK AND SHOP

Address: 740, Aminu Kano Crescent, Wuse 2, Abuja

One of the oldest supermarkets in Abuja, Park and Shop is owned by Artee group, the same company behind Spar which has its stores all over Nigeria. The clientele consists of average to low-income shoppers.

Accessibility: Centrally located on a busy but easily accessible road but the parking area is tiny. 4/5

In-store: There are two shopping floors but the groceries area downstairs is small with narrow, unkempt aisles, some of which are inhospitable due to gathered trash on the floor and mop-buckets in the way. The checkout area is cramped and prone to overcrowding 3/5

Products and Prices: There is a limited range of inexpensive products with a wide variety of bread: cassava, salted and family loaves 4/5

Customer Service: Security and uniformed staff stood or sat around the store talking and shouting to each other from across the aisles. At the checkout the cashier made no eye contact, gave no greeting and was having a conversation with a colleague throughout our transaction 2/5

TOTAL SCORE: 13/20

 

SAHAD STORES

Address: Plot 1512, Uke Street, Ahmadu Way, Area 11, Abuja

This Nigerian-owned supermarket is an enduring mainstay of the city and has branches in Kano and Jigawa. The superstore – which is usually busy and chaotic – sits on four floors packed with a large array of local and familiar products to satisfy the average to low-income clientele.

Accessibility: Good, central location but the parking area is disorderly leading to confusion and long queues despite the parking guards and a two-level car park. 3/5

In-store: The lower-level car park entrance is cluttered with loiters and hawkers, and inside the store is large and brash with little attention paid to style. There is no signage around and products spill out of shelves and line the floor, with the clothes and jewellery section lacking structure in terms of arrangement. Empty boxes are piled high in some corners and the sheer volume of products available is apparent with huge bags of rice and other grains kept in stairwells and along corridors. The checkout area is a high counter and the general atmosphere is one of chaos and carelessness 3/5

Products and Prices: A huge array of local products (some of doubtful quality) at cheap, affordable prices 4/5

Customer Service: No checking at the gates and inside the non-uniformed staff were inattentive, with one completing his phone call before attending to a customer. The checkout staff were aloof but efficient. However, the lack of imposed order led to confusion as to who should be served first and by whom 2/5

TOTAL SCORE: 12/20

SEKMART

Address: 1, Salome Close, Games Village, Abuja

This is a dedicated store for residents of Games Village but a mixed clientele of outsiders come for the convenience and availability of certain imported products not available elsewhere

Accessibility: Not central or well-known due to its hidden location within an estate thus the small parking area around the store is adequate for a less-busy estate supermarket. 3/5

In-store: Unattractive exterior with non-descript entrance and exit doors, but inside is spacious, brightly-lit and neat with open spaces and wide aisles grouped together in sections. The freezer and fruit division is within a room on one side of the mega-mart and there is also a separate wine section. The checkout is well spaced out to avoid queues 4/5

Products and Prices: Agood range of imported products, some of which cannot be purchased elsewhere in Abuja, with a variety of fresh produce, books and electronics slightly pricier than the average 3/5

Customer Service: Security guards were stationed around the store but groups of employees stood around talking. The service at the cashier was pleasant and polite and there was change 4/5

TOTAL SCORE: 14/20

SHOPRITE

Address: Grand Towers Mall, Plot 232 Murtala Mohamed Expressway, Apo, Abuja

Opened with fanfare in 2012, the South African supermarket chain is located in a newly-built mall in Apo housing KFC and other established stores, with two ATMs for added convenience. The mega-store draws a mixed clientele of higher-income shoppers, foreigners and tourists.

Accessibility: Located away from the city centre off a very busy single-lane road servicing various estates, the journey to Shoprite is stressful due to long queues, some of it caused by car-boot security checks at the gate. But the mall’s car park is large enough for 400 cars. 2/5

In-store: Steps lead up to the well-lit, neatly-stacked and well-labelled wide aisles with printed price tags on the shelves with a colourful fruit section, deli and bakery, all on-par with standard supermarket decor abroad. There are numerous checkouts at the front of the well-planned store. 5/5

Products and Prices: A wide selection of both local and imported products that is cheaper than you’ll expect from a large multi-national. 5/5

Customer Service: Uniformed employees dotted the store with security guards at the doors. Service at the tills was pleasant but aloof, with lots of small change available. 4/5

TOTAL SCORE: 16/20

SPAR

Address: Plot 264, Tafawa Balewa Way, Central District Area, Abuja

Located inside Ceddi Plaza – a plush six-storey shopping mall –, Spar benefits from contemporary facilities including lifts, an underground car park and ATMs located within the building, alongside several other businesses including restaurants and a cinema.  

Accessibility: Central location with its signage prominently displayed on the multi-storey Ceddi Plaza building. The mall car park is spacious and organised with taxi drivers readily available outside. 5/5

In-store: Inside is well-lit with clean aisles and shelves, although some products were not labelled. To the right and up a ramp is the freezer section, then the bakery section, but there is inadequate signage directing shoppers to the checkout and the exit as you have to walk around the store and to the back to reach it. There are five small checkout stations that are a squeeze to navigate. 3/5

Products and Prices: A good stock of groceries and electrical products and the bakery section has a large variety of baked goods, all at inexpensive prices. 4/5

Customer Service: Uniformed guards at the gate checked each car but cashiers at the tills were grumpy and unfriendly, my item wasn’t bagged and the cashier had no change and was at first reluctant to go and get it, before grudgingly collecting some from her colleague. 2/5

TOTAL SCORE: 14/20

And the winner is… Next Cash & Carry, which comes tops for the sheer variety of goods available, accessibility, parking space and good customer service.